Christmas is No Excuse for Abuse

November 29, 2022

For many of us, the festive season is a time of togetherness and celebration, but behind closed doors, it is not always the case. BCWA reports disclosures of perpetrators withholding…

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For many of us, the festive season is a time of togetherness and celebration, but behind closed doors, it is not always the case. BCWA reports disclosures of perpetrators withholding finances, not honouring access arrangements and using presents for the children as a coercive bargaining tool.

Christmas is meant to be the most wonderful time of the year, but for those experiencing domestic abuse it can be a frightening and isolating time. BCWA service-user, Jane*, shared her memories of Christmas with her ex-husband…

“I was married for 6 years. We had 8 Christmases together and the last one was the worst.

By that point I had no access to my own money. Anything I had he gave me when he felt like it. I tried to save up or buy throughout the year but he’d usually find anything I bought and then give it to our daughter saying it was from him.

The thing was, I never had any bruises. There was nothing to show for how weird and controlling he was.

That last Christmas, I just didn’t bother. I felt deflated and the only thing I managed was to put up a tree but he threw out the baubles so it was just a tree. I felt awful every time I looked at my daughter. She deserved more.

I didn’t have money to buy anything for a good Christmas dinner so I made an Italian dish he liked. It was all we had in and my anxiety wouldn’t let me leave the house to get to the shops.

When he got home that afternoon I knew from the way he closed the door it was going to be a horrible day. I remember him coming into the kitchen and he turned off the music and took off all the mugs from the mug tree and put them back on to face a different way. He mumbled “You did it wrong again”.

The rest of the night is a blur to me now. I remember sweating. He did this thing where he turned the heating on really high when he was annoyed, even though he knew it flared up my eczema.

I put his plate down on the table in front of him and I remember him laughing at the food and next thing I know he put out his cigarette on my hand. I remember sharp pain and then it went black.

I opened my eyes and I could see the food had been thrown at the wall. The only thing I could focus on was how loud the tv was and my hair was all over the floor. I realised only later that he cut it whilst I had passed out.

This last Christmas that I spent with him, my family knew by then something was wrong. I barely saw them anymore. I had lost a lot of weight and my hair was falling out from stress so I knew they would suspect something.

To be honest I just felt like I was too old to start my life over again. My mum had a tiny flat and I couldn’t bear the thought of sofa surfing in my 30s. In the end my mum helped me call up to stay in a refuge.

It’s been 3 years since we left the refuge and moved out. I do have a scar on my hand which I hate but it’s also a reminder of how strong I am.”

Christmas is no excuse for abuse and Bromley & Croydon Women’s Aid is asking people to come together and give the gift of peace to a survivor in need. Donations made to our match funded campaign with The Big Give between Tuesday 29th November and Tuesday 6th December will be doubled. Find out more here: tinyurl.com/noexcusexmas

* Names have been changed to maintain confidentiality

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